The Problem with Neurodiversity-Affirming Practice

If you work with kids with higher support needs, you may sometimes wonder if the neurodiversity movement was meant for them.

The neurodiversity framework has been critical for understanding autism, ADHD, dyslexia and so forth as natural and necessary differences in our brains. At the same time, many caregivers – exhausted, overwhelmed, and worried about their child’s future – feel this explanation is too simplistic to represent their child’s experience.

When working with these families, you may find yourself wondering:

What does neurodiversity-affirming practice look like for kids with high support needs?

To understand this question better, I recently sat down with Samantha, a psychologist who has worked with neurodivergent kids for many years. Samantha is also the mother of Phoebe, a 7 year old, non-speaking, autistic child with high support needs.

Samantha has always practiced from an affirming paradigm. But when it comes to her daughter, the neurodiversity-affirming lens becomes more complex.

For Samantha, sometimes hearing “autism is just a difference” feels invalidating to the very real struggles that Phoebe faces on a daily basis and to her journey as a mother.

So, as both a mother and a practitioner, I asked Samantha:

What does neurodiversity-affirming support mean to you and your child?

 

Phoebe’s World

While other moms are talking about playdates, sports teams, and new strides in independence, Phoebe’s mom shared that she is still working through sleepless nights, constant supervision, and the kinds of daily challenges most parents leave behind in the toddler years.  

And yet, Phoebe is most certainly not a toddler. She’s a sharp, sensitive girl who sees through people instantly. 

While she doesn’t use speech to communicate, Phoebe’s mom describes her daughter as having a “strong BS detector.” She knows when someone is present with her, and when they’re just going through the motions. 

Authenticity is her love language.

Disability or Difference?

When I asked Phoebe’s mother what she sees as neurodiversity-affirming support for her daughter, she reflected that Phoebe’s challenges don’t fit neatly into slogans.

Specifically, when people say, “autism isn’t a disability, it’s just a difference,” Phoebe’s mom bristles. Because for Phoebe, it’s both.

On the one hand, she does experience profound differences in the way she communicates and processes the world. Understanding these differences is key to understanding and connecting with Phoebe.

And, Samantha adds, she also experiences struggles that can’t be erased with sensory tools or more inclusive classrooms. Phoebe needs support—intensive, 24/7, creative, resource-heavy support. Pretending otherwise invalidates her reality.

She recognizes that the world was not built for Phoebe.  And yet, she still has to navigate it.

Affirming Support for High-Needs Kids

So what does it mean to support kids like Phoebe in a way that’s truly affirming?  Here are a few recommendations from Samantha:

  • Start with Regulation (for adults): Samantha’s first answer was not for Phoebe, but for her caregivers: self-regulation for the adults.  A dysregulated child needs a well-regulated anchor. Samantha has learned that her own nervous system is the co-pilot Phoebe borrows when hers goes off course.

  • Honor Authenticity: Because Phoebe can sense insincerity, every adult in her world needs to show up in a way that is real. No fake cheerfulness, no scripted smiles. Authenticity builds trust.

  • Rapport Takes Time: Even Samantha, who homeschools her daughter, finds that building connection is a slow process. Practitioners who try to rush the relationship quickly lose Phoebe’s trust.

  • Patience in Communication: Phoebe uses AAC.  Her mother has noticed that when using this device, she benefits when she has multiple chances to answer a question. A single attempt doesn’t always capture her intention. But with space and patience, her voice emerges.

  • Consent Matters: Samantha emphasized that ensuring Phoebe’s consent in creating her supports is critical.  To ensure true consent, she may ask a question in different ways, at different times, to make sure the answer reflects her intention.

 

Overall, Samantha has observed that the most empowering experiences for Phoebe happen when someone is present enough to see her, to offer calm in the storm, and to co-regulate instead of control.

Affirming All Minds

Supporting kids like Phoebe takes an enormous amount of resources. Samantha often feels she can’t live like a “regular person.” The exhaustion is real.

But neurodiversity-affirming practice doesn’t mean denying difficulty. It means naming it honestly, while still insisting that Phoebe’s needs, her dignity, and her voice matter.

It’s not about minimizing the disability side of autism. It’s about refusing to strip away the humanity behind it.

For children like Phoebe, what’s most empowering isn’t a program or protocol. It’s people – people who are authentic, patient, and steady enough to be the anchor she needs.

And in that steadiness, Phoebe shines.

Helping Kids Thrive

It’s clear that neurodiversity-affirming practice applies to all kids, regardless of the level of support they need. As Samantha shared, approaching kids with a focus on:

  • Regulation

  • Authenticity

  • Rapport

  • Patience, and

  • Consent

is the recipe for helping them thrive.

If you’re looking for more resources to support the families you work with, check out the growing library at ExplainingBrains.com, including:
Click Here to Learn More!

As always, I hope this has been helpful to your practice. I’d love to hear your experiences with neurodiversity-affirming practices for high-needs children. Feel free to reach out on the Contact page 🙂