What to Say to Bullies

A while ago, I worked with a 5 year old named Connor who wore PJs every day.  He loved his soft “fuzzies” and sported them proudly to school, the bike track, birthday parties, or anywhere else he went.

One day during our session, Connor teared up.  Kids had been asking him if he wore PJs because he was a “baby.”

Confused and sad, he asked if he should start wearing shorts and t-shirts.

“No one has the power to tell you what you can and can’t wear,” I replied.  “In fact, that sounds like bullying.”

Unfortunately, bullying is part of many kids’ school experience. For our neurodivergent kids, it’s often a big part of their experience.

But it doesn’t have to be.

The 5-4-3-2-1 Plan

There are many steps we can take as adults to stop bullying.  One of those important steps is empowering our kids to stand up and stay safe in the moment.
 
Kids are more powerful than they know, but sometimes it takes a little planning and practice.

Many neurodivergent kids find scripts useful, especially in high-stress situations.  To help, here’s a quick 5-4-3-2-1 plan you can create with your child.

5 Things I Can Say

Having a “calm comeback” at the ready can help kids respond to unkind comments or actions with strength and humor.  Here are a few ideas for what to say before walking away:

• That’s not okay.
• I’m walking away now.
• You do you. I’ll keep doing me!
• I don’t have time for this.
• Huh, interesting…

While brainstorming calm comebacks with Connor, he observed that lots of high school kids wear pajama bottoms to school.  The next time someone asked him why he wore PJs, his mother heard him respond:

“Because that’s what the teenagers wear!”

4 People Who Can Help

Next, it can be helpful to identify who your child’s safe people are at school or wherever the problem is happening.  For example:

• Teachers
• Counselors
• Yard Staff
• After School Staff

These should be people that not only provide safety for your child, but will also take action to make sure these behaviors stop.

Connor’s safe person was his teacher.  Much to his surprise, she thanked him for his courage to let her know.

3 Places I Can Go

Walking away from bullying is often the best option, but it’s good to have a destination.  Help your child brainstorm some safe spaces, such as:

• Office
• Library
• Near an adult

For Connor, his safe space was near a yard duty adult, since much of the teasing seemed to happen during recess.  His teacher connected with these adults so they could be aware as well.

2 Ways to Stay Calm

Staying calm is one of the most important skills when it comes to responding to bullies.  Your child may find it helpful to name at least 2 strategies they can use in the moment to calm their body, like:

• Squeeze and relax my hands
• Slow down my breath

Connor found his “calm” in his classroom sensory corner, where the teacher had set up a number of tools to help kids regulate when they were feeling upset.

1 Thing to Tell Myself

Finally, your child may benefit from having a script they can tell themselves when someone is being mean.  This should be a positive statement to remind them of their strength, that it’s not their fault, and they are not alone!

• “I am strong, I am powerful, and I am not alone!”

Connor’s mantra? 

“It’s my choice and I choose to be cozy!”

Empowering Your Child Against Bullying

Perhaps the most important thing we can do to support kids in the face of bullying is to help them feel confident in who they are. 
 
Our Brains is a new book that was built to help empower kids to advocate and stand up for themselves! 

With vibrant images and interactive activities, Our Brains helps kids develop language for understanding what makes them different in a positive and strengths-based way:

Through interactive activities, kids then identify their strengths and challenges, to give them a vocabulary for describing their experience in the world:

Our Brains is now available for preorder through Kickstarter through May 29th!

What is a Kickstarter?

Kickstarter is a way to preorder a product and ensure that there is enough community interest to make it possible to produce.  

If we reach our goal, everyone will get the book at a bulk-printing discount!  If we do not meet our goal, we simply won’t print the books and everyone will get their money back.  

How do I participate?

Follow this link for more information about Our Brains, including a video with a preview of the full book.  

What will I get if I participate?

• For parents: A single copy of the book for your child
• For practitioners: A 4- or 10-pack of books to give to the families you work with