Explaining Neurodivergence to Siblings Pt. 1

Recently, I worked with Hayden and his sister, Makena, who had always struggled to get along. They fought over toys, attention, and even what plate they got at dinner.

Then, we learned that Hayden is autistic. This was extremely helpful to Hayden and his parents, to understand why having things a certain way is so important to Hayden, and why it’s so hard for him when things are not as expected.

Still, Hayden’s need for order and consistency was hard on his sister. She complained that he got more attention than her and felt he “gets away with” things she couldn’t

Now that Hayden’s parents understood what Hayden’s brain needs, they imagined it might be helpful for Makena to know as well – but what do they tell her?

While there is more and more information out there on how to talk to kids about their diagnosis, there is very little available for how to talk to siblings about neurodiversity in the family.

Step 1: Getting Your Neurodivergent Child’s Consent

I’ve written in the past about how to help neurodivergent children understand their diagnosis. (See www.ExplainingBrains.com/blog).

Once they understand their brain, I’ve found it important and helpful to ask the child directly for their consent to share. After all, it’s their brain and their information to share. 

This may sound like:

Now that you understand more about your brain, what do you think would be most helpful for your sibling to understand?

This not only ensures we have their permission to share, but helps us come up with the language we can use to explain their brains to other family members.

For example, Hayden responded this way:

I’m ok to tell Makena that I’m autistic, and that it means I’m very curious but need things to be the same a lot. Can you also tell her to stop putting her toys on my shelf?

If your neurodivergent child is not yet able to understand their diagnosis or express consent – for example, if they are very young or don’t yet have language – it may be a helpful exercise to think about what they may want their sibling to know, or give them suggestions that they can agree or disagree with.

Step 2: Affirming, Kid-Friendly Language

When explaining a diagnosis to a sibling, I’ve found that it’s helpful to use the same Brain Building framework I use when talking to the neurodivergent child about their differently-wired brain. 

Opening the conversation

The first step is to start with a problem that they can relate to. For Makena, this was the frustration she felt when trying to play with her brother. It sounded something like this:

You know how you’ve been saying how frustrating it can be to play with Hayden sometimes? Well, we learned some things about how his brain works that may be helpful for understanding what’s going on and how we can help you both so it’s not as hard.

Identifying Highways (strengths)

Next, we talked about what we learned about Hayden’s strengths. In the Brain Building framework, we refer to these as “highways” – things that come quickly or easily.

We can think of all of our brains as “under construction” – both yours and Hayden’s. This means that all our brains have highways – things we do well – and construction projects – things that are more challenging.

For Hayden, we learned that he has lots of strengths, or highways. I think you know many of these. He’s creative, curious, and loves to build!

Identifying Construction Projects (challenges)

Then, I introduced some of the things that are more challenging for Hayden that Makena could relate to and Hayden was ok to share – his “construction projects.” This sounded like:

Hayden also has some construction projects, or things he is working harder on than most kids. One of his construction projects is flexibility. He works best when things are the same, but has a hard time when things change or aren’t as expected.

Introducing the Diagnosis

Now, we have what we need to explain the diagnosis. When talking to Makena about Hayden, it sounded like:

Lots of kids have highways and construction projects just like Hayden. We call this autism.

For Hayden, being autistic means he’s very curious and does best when things are the same. He said that one way you can help him is by letting him have his own shelf for his toys so he can keep them organized in his way. Would that work for you, too?

Now, Makena has a way to understand her brother and that he’s not “getting away with” more, but that he needs more support to be his best and most authentic self.

Step 3: Resources to Learn More

Just like with neurodivergent kids, siblings like Makena may connect most with stories, visuals, or videos to learn more about different kinds of brains.

Here are a few resources that may help:

Videos & Visuals Spreadsheet

This spreadsheet includes kid-friendly resources to understand autism, ADHD, dyslexia, anxiety, OCD, and more.

Our Brains – A Book for Parents

Designed for parents and caregivers, Our Brains helps adults and kids talk about their differently-wired brains using vibrant visuals and interactive activities. This is an ideal resource for neurodivergent families to spark conversation about everyone’s powerfully unique brain

Answering the Tough Questions

Of course, after having this conversation with Makena, she had many questions and thoughts to share. Click here to see what questions she asked and how we answered them.