Explaining Autism to Family Members

At a recent feedback session for an autistic child, the parent smiled at me and declared:

“I feel so excited! Knowing my child is autistic is like being thrown a life vest.”

Then there was a pause before she added:

“I just don’t know what to tell her grandparents. They think autism is a bad thing.”

In my office, within the context of a neurodiversity-affirming assessment, I can help adults shift their lens to understand their child as different – not deficient.  However, our society still perceives autism as a problem that needs to be fixed.

As a result, parents and caregivers often leave the assessment process wondering:

How do I explain this to the rest of my family?

To help know what to say, I’ve put together some ideas for how to navigate these tricky conversations.

The steps below will help you keep it REAL:

1. Relate
2. Explain
3. Adjust
4. Learn

1. Relate to Their Concerns

Talking to family members about an autism diagnosis can be stressful and vulnerable.  For this reason, it can be helpful to start by establishing common ground. 

This may look like identifying a concern or problem your family member has, and letting them know you’ve learned some things to help.

For example:

“I know you’ve been concerned that Jayden is having difficulty making friends.  I’ve learned some things that could be helpful for understanding why that’s been so hard. Would it be ok to share?”

Or

“Jayden’s meltdown at your house last week was really challenging.  I recently learned some things that may help. Are you open to hearing about them?”

2. Explain Autism

Now the door is open to share what you’ve learned.  Similarly to how we start the conversation with youth, it can be helpful to start with sharing the child’s strengths and challenges to help define autism.

It may sound like this:

“We learned that Jayden has a ton of strengths, like her passion for photography and her great memory.  She’s also struggling with some things like picking up on social cues and being flexible when things change. 

It turns out, this is because she’s autistic.”

3. Adjust the Lens

Our understanding of autism has changed dramatically over the past few years.  For this reason, we can expect that many family members will have misconceptions about what we mean by this different kind of brain.  

Neurodiversity, or the idea that all brains are wired differently, is a relatively new concept.  The neurodiversity paradigm views differences like autism as a natural and necessary part of human variation – no brain is better or worse than another.

Explaining this to family members may sound like:

“It may be hard to hear the word ‘autism.’ It was hard for me at first, too.

We used to think of autism as something that’s wrong and needs to be fixed.  Through this assessment process, I learned that autism means Jayden’s brain is wired differently.

This difference gives her both her strengths and makes some things challenging.

For example, autistic people tend to be passionate, speak honestly, and notice small details, just like Jayden.  They may play differently and show their emotions differently than others.  They may also have difficulty picking up on certain cues or adapting to change.

Now that we know this about Jayden, it helps me think about how I can parent her differently.  I hope it’s helpful to you in your relationship with her, too.”

4. Learn Together

Providing a space for questions can help clear up any lingering misconceptions they may have – even if you don’t have all the answers in that moment.

This may sound like:

“If you have any questions, we can explore these together.  It’s important to me that you have time and space to process this information so we can all work together to help Jayden thrive.”

To dive deeper into autism and what it means for your child, there are many resources for you and your family to explore together.  For example:

• Not an Autism Mom Booklist
• Amazing Things Happen Video
• Autism Essentials Course
• Explaining Brains Autism Resources

Of course, understanding is a journey, not a single event in time.  Just like with children, it can be helpful to keep this conversation going as different situations emerge to help adults process and learn.

I hope these ideas are helpful for your family or the families you work with.  Please feel free to share this article and the handout!