Explaining ADHD to Family Members

Last week, I shared some strategies for sharing an autism diagnosis with extended family.  Today, I wanted to share how these strategies apply to ADHD.

For starters, ADHD is often misunderstood.

When kids come into my office for an assessment, their parents have often been told by well-meaning family members…

…or worse.

Within the context of the assessment process, we can help parents and kids shift their lens from seeing ADHD as a problem to understanding ADHD as a difference.

However, once they leave my office, they’re often left to face these same voices who dismissed their concerns or blamed them for the challenges their child faces. 

How do we help these often well-meaning but misinformed adults shift their lenses, too??

To help, we can apply the same steps we used to explain autism to explaining ADHD:

1. Relate
2. Explain
3. Adjust
4. Learn

1. Relate to Their Concerns

Talking to family members about an ADHD diagnosis can be stressful and vulnerable.  For this reason, it can be helpful to start by establishing common ground. 

This may look like identifying a concern or problem your family member has, and letting them know you’ve learned some things to help.

For example:

“I know you’ve been frustrated that Leo doesn’t follow directions at your house.  I learned some things that may help us understand why that’s been so hard. Would it be ok to share?”

2. Explain ADHD

Now we have an open door to share the diagnosis. I’ve found it most helpful to define ADHD using the child’s strengths and challenges.  After all, every ADHDer is a little different!

This may sound like:

“We learned that Leo has a ton of strengths, like his creativity and love of movement.  He’s also struggling with some things like remembering instructions and controlling his impulses. It turns out, this is because he has ADHD.“

3. Adjust the Lens

Our understanding of ADHD has changed dramatically over the past few years.  For this reason, we can expect that many family members will have misconceptions about what we mean by this different kind of brain.  

Neurodiversity, or the idea that all brains are wired differently, is a relatively new concept.  The neurodiversity paradigm views differences like ADHD as a natural and necessary part of human variation – no brain is better or worse than another.

Explaining this to family members may sound like:

“It may be hard to hear that Leo has ADHD. It was hard for me at first, too.  

We used to think of ADHD as something that’s wrong and needs to be fixed.  Through this assessment process, I learned that ADHD means Leo’s brain is wired differently.  

This difference gives him both his strengths and makes some things challenging.  

For example, ADHDers tend to be creative, energetic, and passionate, just like Leo.  They may need to move to learn and can often hyperfocus when they’re into something. They may also have difficulty controlling impulses or turning on their attention when things aren’t as interesting.

Now that we know this about Leo, it helps me think about how I can parent him differently.  I hope it’s helpful to you in your relationship with him, too.”

4. Learn Together

Providing a space for questions can help clear up any lingering misconceptions they may have – even if you don’t have all the answers in that moment.

This may sound like:

“If you have any questions, we can explore these together.  It’s important to me that you have time and space to process this information so we can all work together to help Leo thrive.”

To dive deeper into ADHD and what it means for your child, there are many resources available to explore together.  For example:

• ADHD 2.0 by Edward Hallowell

• What is ADHD? Video

• Explaining Brains Resources for ADHD

For a summary of this article to share with parents or families, download the handout below!

I hope these ideas are helpful for your family or the families you work with.  Please feel free to share this article and the handout!